My regrets echo.

I hate this blog. I rarely update it, because if I don't do it really often, I'll have a monumental post that

I usually only update it when I feel I have something to say. And, well, I do.

I fucking hate what I've been this last month or so. Hate. I can't fucking believe that no one has noticed. I'm not myself. I've been... Wrong. I've made selfish decisions, and just all around been a dick. I feel as though I've been lying to everyone about everything, because, well, I have been. I'm not alright. I don't feel fine, I don't even feel okay. A lot of things are going the opposite direction than I want them to, and I can't do anything about that.

I'll start with my home life. It has gotten exponentially better as of late. Mom broke up with Shauna, so she will be out of the picture soon. I'm really happy about that. I hate that bitch with a passion. Her being gone will make life a lot better. It's going to be a rough ride until then, though.

My social life is okay. I don't get out as much as I want to. I miss my friends on the weekends. I hate breaks.

And of course, the longest part is about my love life or the lack thereof. And it's my own fault.

I had a chance to get Virginia back. I did. I could have had my beautiful back. I could have felt right again, with her in my life. I love her. I never stopped. I can't go through my day without thinking of her, or thinking I see her and getting sorely disappointed when it's not her. I really wanted her back, and we were talking, and it seemed possible. She even asked me if I would take her back. After all I have just said, what do you think I said?

No.

I told her I had another girl I was interested in.

I can't have made a worse decision. The girl that I was(still am, really) interested in has proven herself to be constant confusion and can't seem to make up her mind. She's a gorgeous girl, inside and out, but she has been more trouble than she is worth.

Virginia. I could have had her. I could have been with her again. Held her close. Been complete for the first time since... Well, since she left. I hate being single with a passion. I have these pent up feelings that I have no other escape for. I pour myself into a relationship, head and heart, so that eventually those feelings fade away. It's not a bad thing, it's my way of expressing what I want.

And now it's too late. Virginia has a boyfriend. I can't have her. It's not going to happen. She's probably happy with him, and I'm happy for her. She's a lot stronger than me. I can't get over her, and I really have tried.

I want a pretty girl, and I feel selfish for it. I feel that I don't deserve anything.

And mom says it's time to call it a night.

One Day Women Will All Become Monsters

That day has come and gone. I swear they are out to get me. I really don't want to type all of this, but I fear I must.(I'm losing people I thought I could trust) If you get that reference, then I love you.

First order of business! Music.
Broken Iris is amazing. I'm so in love with them that it's nowhere near funny. Listen to The Eyes of Tomorrow, A New Hope and Beautiful Girl, if you want to try them out. Adam Roth, the lead singer, actually commented me on Myspace. He made me life right there.

Skillet's new album Awake is amazing. Some of the songs are a bit too much like their old ones, and sound the same, but Hero, Monster and Awake and Alive are absolutely amazing songs. I'm seeing these guys on the 30th, so I'll tell you how that goes.

Three Days Grace also just released a new album titled Life Starts Now and it also has the same symptoms of Alive. I love Break, The Good Life and Last To Know, but the rest of the album is very monotonous.

Eye Alaska's album Walk Like a Gentleman is really great if you're into their genre. The songs that stick out for me are Walk Like a Gentleman(Who'da thunk it?), Rocky Road, Show Me DaLuv and Roll Right Over.

Dance Gavin Dance has been an obsession of mine. I haven't gone a day without listening to every song off their album Happiness. It's so beautiful that it's not even funny. Listen to Strawberry Swisher Pt.1 & 2 and Don't Tell Dave and see if they're your style.

Bo Burnham is amazing. I'm seeing him the 16th and I'm close to peeing myself every time I realize that. He is hilarious and cute! Hehe.

After the death of Chiodos(They kicked Craig out! Yeah, I know it's the worst thing since Jesus died), I have only Cinematic Sunrise, Isles and Glaciers and The Sound of Animals Fighting to continue my love for Craigery Owens. CinSun has an amazing album out titled A Coloring Storybook and Long Playing Record. Try it out, seriously.

Onto the teenage angsty drama! What fun!
I am not trying to start anything with anyone. This is exactly what the giant text on the top of the page says: UNNECCESARY MIND BARF.

Virginia broke up with me, for starters. No more on that subject.

Literally the day after, a new girl(No comment on if she is included in the aforementioned post) told me she "liked" me after some slight probing. We got to talking about some things, mainly me telling her that I wasn't ready for a relationship right after I got out of one that was so perfect. So I told her I'd tell her in some way when I was ready. After a few slight blunders, I pulled myself together and told her I didn't plan on "asking her out". I told her I'd just kiss her, considering that would convey my point a lot better.

After hanging out a lot, mostly from me stalking her, I found some clarity and decided to kiss her. It wasn't magical, it was actually quite horrid. We missed both times, and it really was not a good time. She was nervous, and shaking when I tried to hold her hand after. The next day she was cold, so I pulled her closer to me and it was kinda awkward, so I pulled back after a few minutes.

We didn't "date". It was maybe three, four days. She then told me that she wasn't ready for a relationship and needed to find some sanity before she could date. I understood and wasn't upset at all. I can be patient...sometimes... And I was willing to wait. She is totally worth waiting for.

This whole time, there have been times where I get frustrated at her for various reasons. She messed with my empathy. I'm extremely empathetic. I see things in people. Not her. Not then. She was always a veil of blindness to me. I can't stand that. I can't help someone who doesn't convey their emotions. It's not possible. She says what's on her mind, sometimes, sure. But it's not clear, it's generally vague and in all honesty, annoying.

So, keeping in mind that I was almost just going to give up waiting because of her frustrating tendencies, she shows clear signs of having a crush. On one of my best friends in the world(Who is a girl. Yes, it's okay for two girls to date you republican assfuck). To this moment, I am ecstatic for that girl. I think she deserves every moment of happiness. But there was an issue with it, and that was that my friend was the one to confront me. I figured she would, but I didn't want her to. I wanted to be told by the girl I had already fallen for. It really bugged me that she didn't do it herself. But I never told her that.

Oh, and to set all this off, there is a rumor going around about me that goes back to when Stephanie and I were hating one another. She told a lot of people that I threatened and raped her. That is so far from true that it's not funny. Anyways, it went around and the girl that still manages to make me stutter from the inside out told me to stop talking to her. I freaked out, and went on a warpath until I could remedy the damage that it had caused.

This should all be over and done with. All of it. I'm over the situation. Sure, I'm not over the girl, but that's not my "fault". That's just a part of life. I wish I could go back and change my actions. I would never have gotten caught up in any of this, and I wouldn't feel like this. But, hey, I don't have Dr. Manhattan's powers. I can't tell a tragedy will happen when something beautiful slides into my life.

I really want this all to end. Stop being sorry for yourself, girl. You didn't do anything wrong. I should have known not to get involved with someone so goddamn gorgeous. The more attractive, the more it hurts to see them go. At the same time, it will make me extremely happy for her when I get to see her smile and laugh with her new girl. I'll just look away when they get really close. Can we rewind to when I could just sit with you and make you laugh, just so you will smile that radiant smile? When you're willing, let me know, although I doubt you'll read any of this.

And, again, I have a crush. I'm not going to pursue it. Not now, not any time soon.

And you, reader... I love you, now. You have made it to the end of this rant of emoliciousness. I just hope this doesn't get twisted into something it's not.

Lexington

Chiodos is my go-to band if I ever need something to pick me up. Craig's vocals are gorgeous. 'Nuff said.

As I said before, Sky Camp was amazing. I loved it. Most of the new kids are amazing, and the exceptions should just drop dead. They don't deserve our community. They don't deserve what they are going to get and they don't deserve the hospitality we are now forced to show them. These kids are rude and insubordinate. They need to realize what kind of school we are. We are not a tiered high school. We are are grouped based on age and sometimes artistic interest. That is about it. We are not going to hold those few who feel it necessary on a pedestal. If they want to feel included then they need to drop the middle school shit. [/endrant]

Girls are out to get me. I swear to god. I never get to see my gorgeous Virginia anymore. I haven't since Warped, I don't think. I love her. More than I can express in this blog. I have already explained this multiples of times. But it's hard to be with her when I can't be with her. She has told me to move on and I have told her that I'm not going to. And me being human, every time she says that it makes it more and more a possibility. And every time I try to call her and she gets frustrated or unresponsive it makes me feel like she doesn't want me to call her.

So, naturally, me being male, I have a crush. Two, actually. And Virginia predicted this would happen, but she predicted I'd leave her for one of them. And if this were any other girl, I would. I've proven that. But not this time. Now I'm actually motivated to stay with her. I want it to work out for the best. Sure, the crushes aren't simply going to go away. I can handle it though. I can push through this adolescent reaction and stay with the girl that I know will be just as beautiful in twenty years as she is now.

I hope this all works out. Cross your fingers for me?

Sky Camp - School 09-10

That's what tomorrow is. No, I'm not looking forward to it. I plan on editing this at a later date on why.

Next post will be Saturday.

Edit! Saturday has come!

I really can't believe how retarded and emo I was being the night I wrote this the first time. Because Sky Camp was a blast, but at the same time I'm paying the consequences for it. That will be in the next post, which is all about my current state of mind.

Reintroduction.

It's about a week and a half until school. I should be out with my friends, with some ending summer party or at least able to walk the quarter mile to Taylor's to stay a night. No. I get to baby sit. Or I get to stay home because Shauna just "feels like it". She's retarded. She feels the need to assert dominance over me every day of my life because she has some stupid syndrome or something. She should go suck a fat one.

So summer has been less than savory. Yes, it has included the best times of my life in it. Virginia and I in Kelso being the best, I'd have to say. The two days we spent with my best friends was amazing. I love those guys, and I love that girl. It was practically perfect.

At the same time, each day at home progressively got worse. Do you know any teenager that had to wake up at 10 every day or be punished for it? In his own house? And the punishment would last at very least a week, once it was two weekends because I babysit every other day. I couldn't go anywhere for two weeks because I slept in. Yeah, that's just one of the bullshit rules here.

I don't have anyone or anywhere to be my safehouse, either. Not consistently. They would never let me go anywhere at a constant rate. Never. I can't be in a production in drama at school because I wouldn't be able to get to rehearsal. I can't do any extracurricular activities because they won't drive me. And I go to a very active school. It's bullshit. A lot of bullshit happens here.

And nothing I say gets through to them. No matter what I do, it's always my fault. I react to something in a way they don't like and they'll steal everything away from me. I want to scream at them, tell them they're being sadistic morons. Make them see through the cloud of ignorance they've created through the years we've lived here. They don't listen. They don't think ahead of themselves. What are the other kids going to turn into in this environment? I have been practically conditioned through it, but the other kids will have serious mental scars. They'll grow up ignorant and just as full of hate.

School is my refuge. But it's temporary. I can't live there like I would like to. My friends help me through the times when my guard falls and I fall into a slump, but I shouldn't have to depend on them. I can, but I don't want that to become a constant.

I think I'm done here for now. Next post is on the ignorance of religion and specifically hatred towards gays. Not kidding.

Bai.

Warped Tour '09

If you haven't heard of it, die. Now. And brace yourself. This is a long post.

List of bands I saw before I forget:

• 3OH!3
• A Day To Remember
• A Skylit Drive
• Aiden
• Alana Grace
• Alexisonfire
• All Time Low
• And Ive Landed
• Attack Attack
• Bad Religion
• Bayside
• Big D and the Kids Table
• Black Tide
• Breathe Carolina
• Broadway Calls
• brokeNCYDE
• Cash Cash
• Chiodos
• Dirty Heads
• Echo Movement
• Escape The Fate
• Every Avenue
• Forever The Sickest Kids
• Gallows
• Hit The Lights
• I Set My Friends On Fire
• In This Moment
• InnerPartySystem
• ivy league
• KIA Kevin Says Stage
• Left Alone
• Less Than Jake
• Longway
• LoveHateHero
• Madina Lake
• Meg and Dia
• Millionaires
• NOFX
• P.O.S.
• Plugin Stereo
• Saosin
• Scary Kids Scaring Kids
• Senses Fail
• Shad
• Shooter Jennings
• Silverstein
• Sing It Loud
• Single File
• Streetlight Manifesto
• TAT
• The A.K.A.s
• The Architects
• The Devil Wears Prada
• The Maine
• The Reverend Peytons Big Damn Band
• The White Tie Affair
• There For Tomorrow
• Therefore I Am
• This Providence
• TV/TV
• Underoath
• Valencia
• VersaEmerge
• We The Kings
• Westbound Train
• YB
• You Me At Six

The lineup this year was love/hate. Either I loved the band or I hated them, with very few grey areas. I hated brokeNCYDE, Escape the Fate... The list goes on. I did not watch many of these bands, but did see them around. A lot of them sucked. With a name like All Time Low, what do you expect?

We started our journey near the end of the massive, sidewinding (insert more words for LONG) line. I had tried to get Jenny and my aunt to move faster, but they are what most people know as "delay fish". They delayed and delayed until we got there, at a far back position in the line. And when I say far I mean at least two to three HUNDRED people were in front of us. That's how big of delay fish they are. The line was going to easily last an hour or two. Then, seemingly falling from the heavens, a guy comes up and tells us about a way to cut the line. We pay $5 and we get into the VIP line which is around, oh, fifty people long. Yeah, that's it. We got in at around 11:10. Doors opened at 11:00. Which is around when we originally got in line. That's a whopping ten minute wait. For ten bucks? Deal. Oh, and we only had $14 for food. Soo... We didn't eat. But we were in the front for Chiodos. The reason I went to Warped. I was in the front of the main stage. Big deal. I was in the mosh for most of it, and got my first official bleeding wound in there. I think it was around the time of the wall of death... Hehe. So, for around one song(Chiodos was playing Bulls Make Money) I went over to Scary Kids Scaring Kids. Good band, great vocals. I think they were one of the only bands to sound almost better live than in studio. I went back to Chiodos as they finished(not the good way).

After Chiodos we walked a bit. I am trying desperately to say that we saw Silverstein next, but I'm not sure. If I get these out of order, don't get mad at me. In all honesty, I'm not entirely sure. I didn't buy a schedule, I mooched off other people's, cause they're nice. Anyways, we did see Silverstein, and it rocked. We saw Black Tide, which has a 16 year old kid for a singer. He's a badass, so you know. We saw Gallows, where Jenny got pulled into the biggest circle pit I have ever seen and probably will never see another that big. The guy who rammed into her got a facefull of Sierra Mist. We maneauvered our way around, sneeking peeks at LoveHateHero, We The Kings, Alexisonfire and a few others. Then VersaEmerge's time came around, a sort of small time band that sounds better than old Paramore already. They are more mature and, well, sexy.

We got around to seeing Aiden. They were simply amazing. They rocked their little stage better than any band before them. Even In This Moment didn't compare, and they are an amazing band as well. The Fall of Troy, as always, sucked live. Absolutely sucked. They don't do their vocals right, butcher the guitar parts... The list goes on. I saw a bit of Anti-Flag and NOFX, and for some old(er) bands they were really good. The last band I really wanted to see was The Devil Wears Prada, but we were tired and left. On our way out we thought we caught parts of Attack Attack but after replaying my memory, it was actually I Set My Friends On Fire. Absolutely love them to death.

After Warped we went to the Indian Festival on Pioneer Square. Ate some delicious Indian food, got some ice cream, cuddled a bit and now my beautiful is watching Death Note while I type this. These are the times I will cherish and recall when in need.

I'm not very

Interesting, now am I? My posts are very drab and boring. I guess I tend to not throw in any of my "juicy" details. It's just all drama crap that licks ass. I hate it. I do have fun a lot, yes, but rarely is it "stellar" or "really awesome". It's generally me just hanging out with one or two friends. I did spend around four days with a fat kid named Toby, but that was just us hanging out playing Halo and Civ Rev. More often I'm arguing with my girlfriend late into the night because my parents can't know we're together, or trying to make plans and failing miserably.

My relationship is strained. Very strained. I haven't spent any real time with her alone in... over a month. And it doesn't look like I'll be able to any time soon. My parents would murder me if they knew about her, so it's extremely hard to be with her. It doesn't help that I keep being reminded of other people's great relationships, either. That, and I have girls I haven't talked to in a long time coming out of thin air and proclaiming their love to me. Those girls just add to the hatred factor, really. They don't know me, never have and never will.

I love Virginia. I really do. Every time we're together, I never want our time to end. But it always does. And always will. And now it seems that every other time we talk on the phone she has "doubts". I've never had a girl tell me she doubts the relationship, so naturally I think that she's telling me she wants out, but she denies that. She says she wants to be with me and stuff, but that it's really hard to be with me because of our distance and situation. And now that she's not in school it will be twelve times harder.

So I turn to my outward experiences to get my mind off these things. I try to surround myself in people who are genuinely my friends, and who can submerse me in a world all our own. It's a temporary fix, generally. And it has backfired more than once. Example? GASP.

I am a part of a camp at UO called SAIL(Summer Academy to Inspire Learning). It's awesome. They pay me fifty dollars to go to the college and make fun of the presenters, and the other kids there are really great. Last year I went I was having relationship issues with Steph, and I developed a crush. Of course, right? Just like me. And this year... It didn't just go away. I wish it had. And she's really happy with her boyfriend. I have literally zero chance with this girl, but she's still on my mind. And is fucking sucks. It's the opposite of deus ex machina in that she didn't fix anything, but has clouded my judgement. She doesn't know anything, either, and I'm not giving out her name. I'm still trying to sort through my conscience, so don't blame me if in three days I change my whole perspective.

And that's just the romantic side of me.

Naturally, I have music that I must recommend, because what blog is complete without music?

RED - Death of Me
Breaking Benjamin - Polyamorous(Very apparent in my life, eh?)
Skillet - Thist is Taking Over & Open Wounds
We Butter The Bread With Butter - Breekachu
The Fall of Troy - FCPREMIX
In Flames - Come Clarity
As I Lay Dying - The Darkest Nights
Disturbed - The Night
The Gay Blades - O Shot
Danny Elfman - The Little Things

That's it from me today. I'll try to update more consistantly.

Although, Joe is the only one who might read this. Hehe.

Brown Chicken Brown Cow!

Excuse the title. I couldn't resist.

I just got back from Portland! City of wonder. And beauty. Well, when I'm in it. Beautiful came up and we spent a lot of time together. Life was good. Then she left. Then I left. But to Richard's. Where we spent a total of two days playing video games and watching X-men. The new one, mind you. Oh, and a lot of murder. Halo 3.

It feels great to come back to a new house. And all my friends. Although, really, I would rather live under someone else's bed. Cramped = Comfy. At least when I'm sleeping.

The bitchy ex has been located. She ran away for around a week. She's retarded.

I love Virginia. A lot. She bought me a BADASS Kingdom Hearts II shirt and the Abhorsen trilogy. And she's really cute when she's asleep.

That's about it. Oh, wait. This isn't a teenage blog without some sort of strife. Errr... I didn't get to see Transformers 2. OH. And I didn't have enough money for the leather bound, golden lettered, complete set of every Calvin and Hobbes ever made. Oh the orgasm when I buy that...

New Disease

So! I think I'm going to totally revamp this blog and make it not stupid and childish. Sound good to you?

I'm 15, I live in Springfield, Oregon and I go to the Academy of Arts and Academics. A3, for short.

I love my friends here. Not the place, mind you. Although, the WoW hall, McDonald theatre, Hult Centre and that other place near Alton Baker park are all very awesome. When I can see 3 Inches of Blood, The Number 12 Looks Like You, The Fall of Troy and Gary Jules at the same venue within a month, you know it's a cool music scene.

Currently, the band We Butter The Bread With Butter is my eargasm.

I'm in the middle of moving about a mile down the road. It's an expensive house, but a nice one. It's a bit too close to the bitchy ex, though.

Heading to Portland and then Kelso tomorrow. That way I'm out of the way for the move. I think my parents find me a liability.

If anyone wants to donate for a 360 for me, that'd be nice. I have about half what I need. I want one before ODST comes out so I can get the epic controller for it.

About it for now. Be on later.